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Dinosty
Andrea Bargnani and Tim Thomas?
According to ESPN’s Stat Psychic/Hair Club For Men Client John Hollinger, at this stage in his career, Il Mago most closely resembles Tim Thomas. (you have to be an ESPN Insider to read the article. Join the club, Hoops fans – or piggyback on someone else’s profile, like I do). Not that Hollinger has a history of getting things right…but seriously? Not Dirk, not Bill Walton…but Tim Thomas.
I didn’t buy the comparison either until I found this rare photo of both Tim and Andrea as children. Yes, Tim Thomas is black…but what you didn’t know is that he wasn’t born that way.
Andrea Bargnani (R) and Tim Thomas (L) before puberty.
As you can see, Hollinger has an open-and-shut case. So let’s take a closer look at these two nearly identical basketball players, and how their identical paths lead them to identical NBA careers.
Hometown:
Tim Thomas: The Mean Streets of Jersey.
Bargnani: The Mean Streets of Rome.
Similarity: Both grew up around Italians.
Pre-NBA Career:
Thomas: Played one year in Villanova before declaring for the draft.
Bargnani: Played 4 professional years in Italy.
Similarities: I’m no linguist, but Villanova sounds like it could be Italian for ‘new villa’.
Career Stats:
Thomas: 11.9 points per game, 1.4 assists per game, and four rebounds per game.
Bargnani: Rookie season stats: 11.8, 4 rbs., 0.8 assists.
Similarities: Bargnani has accomplished over one season what Thomas has put together in the prime of his career.
Rookie Season accolades:
Thomas voted to Second team All-Rookie 1997-98.
Bargnani First Team All-Rookie, second in ROY voting.
Similarities: Both were rookies.
Trademark Skills:
Thomas: Range and Athleticism. Ability to bounce from team to team with ease.
Bargnani: Range and lack of athleticism. Ability to bounce no-look behind-the-back passes to Bosh.
Patented In-Game Look:
Thomas: The “I-Didn’t-Get-‘Nuff-Touches” Scowl.
Bargnani: The “I’m-Still-In-A-Pasta-Coma” Doe-Eyed Stare.
Nickname:
Andrea Bargnani: Il Mago (The Magician).
Tim Thomas: TT (Pronounced, “titty”)
2007-08 forecast:
Tim Thomas: Averages 14ppg on a horrid Clippers team, doesn’t show up for practices come January, may or may not smack a ho, and is waived by April.
Andrea Bargnani: 17ppg, 6rpg, 3apg, starting center on defending Atlantic Division champions, potential consecutive Raptors Player of the Month.
On fellow NBA stars:
“He’s fugazy as far as the whole tough guy role. You get techs and you get fines and that makes you tough? Because your game is wild and crazy, that makes you tough? When a scuffle breaks out, you have 13 guys that can protect you. When it’s you and someone else, what happens then? Somebody call Don King and hook it up for us.”
– Tim Thomas on Kenyon Martin
“But I think Kobe Bryant is a step above everyone. LeBron James is very strong but Kobe is something else.”
– Andrea Bargnani
Fun facts:
Tim Thomas: Has been traded for Keith Van Horn (aka the Great White Socks) twice.
Bargnani: Has also been known to wear socks.
As you can see, the parallels abound. Another Tim Thomas in the making, over here in Canada (or as Tim Thomas calls it, ‘Coldland’.) Another apt observation by Hollinger, or as his gang calls him, Johnny Forehead.
The twins, all grown up:
…Pay Attention During The Pre Season
10. The Biggest Losers. Cause it’s fun to see who’s been stacking plates in the weight room, and who’s just been stacking plates. Nothing short of Al-Qaeda allegiance worries a GM more. Perennial “Watch List” members include Eddie Curry, Michael Sweetney, and The Big Pasta Bowl, Shaq.
9. Rounding Out The Dozen. Most positions are already locked down, but watching mediocre players fight it out for roster spots is a true pleasure. From the moment they hit the court, they’re like a pet-store puppy showing off for potential owners. They run around like mad, take poor shots, and generally try way too hard. But somehow, it’s always endearing. Remember watching the kid with one leg try out for the high school soccer team? You know he’s not going to make it, but gosh if he isn’t cute for trying.
8. WNBA Watch. Every year the league matches up NBA teams against non-NBA teams; Every year at least one NBA team loses. How long till they bring the WNBA into the mix? I’m starting the over/under at 2.5 seasons. Don’t you want to see the Houston Comets take on the New Orleans Hornets? Tell me you wouldn’t gather your buddies and a 2-4, together developing some makeshift drinking game to celebrate the missed layups.
7 (or 8a, depending on who’s counting) Muggin’. I love, love LOVE the look on a player’s face when they lose to a non-NBA team. It’s somewhere between homicide, suicide, and Justin Timberlake’s drug-fuelled disbelief on Punk’d. Sure, they get paid millions to suit up, and sure, its only preseason. But for guys with more pride than brains, it absolutely tears them apart when they get smoked by a team who’s name they can’t even pronounce.
6. Name Game. Foreign announcers pronouncing NBA names, NBA announcers massacring foreign names. Hilarious for everyone involved. Yes, this could be solved by spending ten minutes going over the rosters, but where’s the nationality-insulting fun in that?
5. Snap! Crackle! Pop! At least one marquee player misses the upcoming season following a serious pre-season injury. You don’t want to miss it! It will lead the players to release statements like ‘We feel for him but we’re more than just one player’, and the ownership to consider bubble-wrapping their players and cancelling next year’s pre-season.
4. The Off-the-Court Incident. Beat-downs. Robberies. Driving into a pole while masterbating to porn. Our overpaid, undereducated superstars are good for at least one handcuffable mishap before Halloween. The easy bet (and perrenial Oops! All-Star) is Stephen Jackson, but if you ask me, the smart bet this year is Ricky Davis, stuck alone with his NBDL teammates in Wastelandistan…I’m sorry, Minnesota.
3. New Hairdo’s. Because People, In Touch, and US Weekly don’t follow around our heros. Who shaved their cornrows? Who’s rockin’ a ‘fro? Who’s shaved inexplicable objects into their head? I need to know. We need a hoops tabloid. I’m sure ESPN will get right on it – they don’t seem to discriminate.
2. It means something. Even when people say it means nothing. What they mean to say is that pre-season standings mean nothing. But all you had to do was watch the Toronto/Boston game Saturday to know that these players are looking to set the tone early.
1. Because it’s still more interesting than Baseball playoffs.
DiNote: This is my first kick at this, so be gentle. Bound to pick it up after a few games. Now I know to always write down things like, oh, I don’t know, the score. Please leave me comments letting me know how to improve.
(Also, this diary would have been up much earlier, but watching basketball again got me all hot and bothered, so I had to hit HoopDome to calm down.)
The moment KG stormed out onto the court with that Stare™ in his eyes, you could sense that this wasn’t no warm-up game.
I mean, an 11,000 + sellout crowd for a pre-season game? In a hot, sweaty neutral venue? Oh yeah, it’s serious. You know these guys are here to make a statement. Toronto’s out to show that they’re not going to roll over and deliver Boston the Atlantic (and the East?) while Boston’s out to prove that you only need three players on your team to win a championship.
But lets crack a beer, crank the volume, and get right to it.
1st Quarter
11:00 – Il Mago for 3! Way to get this party started.
9:45 – I’ve said this before, but I hate Bosh’s hair worms. It’s not envy, it’s not petty – I just hate them. I can’t take him seriously. It looks like a bad Samuel L. Jackson wig in some shitty action movie no one will see.
8:30 – Ahh, the pre-season, where they don’t call lane violations on free-throws.
8:00 – Bargnani nails another effortless 3. Looking good early.
7:45 –Bargs with some good defense. Don’t get used to it.
7:19 – Bosh with a veteran up and under that sends Skinny Kendrick Perkins leaping into the stratosphere. It’s insanely easy for CB4 to get to the line (but hit those free throws!). Not sure if this illustrates Bosh’s maturation and savvy or the fact that Kendrick Perkins doesn’t recognize an 8th grade varsity post move.
6:25 – Anthony Parker with a great steal on KG. He’s becoming a more potent Battier to this franchise, and I couldn’t be happier. You can’t help but like him, trust him, want him to do well. If I had to let one Raptor baby-sit my infant son, it would be AP. Hands down.
6: 15– Kapono’s first shot, a lighting quick swish that makes it look easy. MoPete who? (I’m sorry Mo. I didn’t mean that. It’s just…he’s #24 too…and younger…and has a hotter wife…but not herpes…)
5:00 – I think we’re going on 7-plus minutes without a commercial break. Amazing. It’s like watching basketball on HBO. Who do I thank for this?
They just showed a wide of the stadium, the Palalottomatica. It screams ‘sports fan’, and not ‘corporate sponsor’. This, despite being named for Lottomatica, its sponsor. Somehow, they’ve figured it out.
5:17 – Long silky jump shot for Bosh. I love that he’s beginning to develop range.
4:20 – After committing an obvious foul, Tony Allen’s pouts like an Rep soccer kid who gets stuck with all the losers on his gym class team. This is NOT the look of a team player.
3:45 – Nice tip-in Rasho! Let this be a lesson to all the lumbering 30+ big white men in the league: you can make up for a lack of athleticism with veteran savvy.
3:15 – After a missed Graham jumper, Calderon give him a ‘let’s go Joey!’ motivating clap/threat that was half motivational, half ‘here-we-go-again’. At least he’s implementing his leadership on the court.
2:40 – Nice travel by Paul Pierce for 2.
2:22 – Absolutely sick spin by Joey Graham to get to the hoop, but you don’t get points for footwork. Finish the bucket!
1:06 – Razor Ramone for 3!
0:45 – The first of the new Raptors HD commercials star Chuck Swirsky examining onions in a grocery store. What an adorable Cabbage Patch Kid.
At the end of 1, it’s 27-20 Toronto. So far, so good.
2nd Quarter
10:52 – For the first time this season, the Calderon slide! How I missed watching Jose blow past his defender, lay it in, and slide cocksure down the baseline. It will be a classic move for the Raptors collective for years to come.
9:35 – Delfino saves the ball from going out in an athletic move. While I hate that lizard tattoo on his shoulder, I’m glad to have him aboard.
9:05 – What ball movement. The Raptors are looking so unselfish, these FIBA comparisons may not be so far off.
8:25 – Great look by KG on a skip pass to Eddie House. 34-27 Boston.
2nd Quarter – Where is CB4?
6:50 – Joey gets hacked on the way to the hole (off a nice feed from Carlos). Definitely not a pre-season foul. These teams are playing.
5:43 – KG does his best Nash impression with 2 behind the back looks that make Perkins look much better than he is, like an ugly chick with a good body standing next to a portly girl. Watch for that trend to continue this season.
Another new Raps HD commercial. This time Chuck’s at Civello’s. Yes, apparently bald men visit salons too.
Showing the game stats, and what the heck is adjusted FG%? The Raptors are 15-31 yet shooting over 50%!!??! Do they factor in free throws in Europe? This better not be a new NBA stat.
At the half, it’s 43-40 Boston. KG’s rocking a double-double at the half. In his first pre-season game as a Celtic. Remember this when MVP voting rolls around.
3rd Quarter
10:09 – Bargnani opens the third the way he opened the first, with a 3. 50-49 Boston.
8:53 – I guess they are calling lane violations.
8:25 – A monster put-back by KG! And with swagger he swings off the rim like a monkey at a….uh, like a, uh… tetherball on a pole. Yes, tetherball! That’s better. Anyway, the dunk was well worth the T. Gotta set the tone (write this down, Bosh).
8:00 – Another quick release by Kapono. 54-52 Raps take the lead!
7:31 – I love that four players are on laying the court right now, fighting and clawing for the rock. Don’t tell these guys this game doesn’t matter.
7:34 – I know these commentators are trying, but the ‘when in Rome’ references are getting old.
4:35 – A close-up of Carlos Delfino. I’m pretty sure he’s wearing black eyeliner. This is not a joke. He’s like the Latin Chris Crocker.
2:23 – Finally! Chris Bosh shows up with a big slamma-jamma! Oh baby!
1:01 – TJ from 3. 15 points and counting from PG#1. 68-68.
0:24 – Note to self: Ray Allen is real good. 70-68 Boston.
4th Quarter
9:55 – Tony Allen, back from a knee injury that occurred when he showboated a jam after the whistle, (might be one of the most embarrassing moments I’ve witnessed on live TV) throws down a huge jam in a pre-season game. And then he hobbles off the court, limping. He’ll just never learn.
Btw, His dunk might have looked a bit awkward upon first glace, but that’s because he dunked ON THE WAY UP. Kid’s got springs in those calves, its incredible. 76-70 Boston.
9:00 – Calderon for 3! PG#2 has 10 pts. 76-73 Boston.
8:33 – Jamario can jump.
8:03 – Calderon’s heating up (the NBA Jam references are on fire!) He’s the only one keeping us close. 12 pts, 76-75 Boston.
7:30 – A Maceo Baston sighting. Did I hear someone say ‘so what?’
7:12 – Jamario can jump. But he can’t hit a J.
6:02 – Jamario hits a J!
5:20 – And the Trying-Too-Hard award goes to: Jamario Moon!
(After the game, Jamario’s forced to hand the award to Juan Dixon, who plants birdfeed in his hair in retaliation.)
4:20 – A nice tip-in by Moon. I like that he’s out there hustling despite missing some easy buckets. 84-77 Boston.
3:00 – Dick Bavetta pulls out one of his elaborate calls. I just pray the guy doesn’t throw a hip out on his patented Change Of Possession Hop. Still, I’d rather see him than Violet Palmer any day.
2:50 – Great transition pass from Luke Jackson leads to a nice Joey lay-in. Too little too late?
2:10 – Juan Dixon misses a jumper.
1:15 – Maceo Baston cuts to the left and lays in a ball with more English on it than the Mayflower. It toilet bowls twice and then falls out. A HUGE miss. This would have cut the lead to one. That’s the game right there, mark my words.
0:22 – I spoke too soon – Brian Scalabrine steps on the line! We’ve still got life! Got bless slow white guys who smell like pepper.
0:16 – Juan Dixon misses a jumper, but the ball goes out of bounds.
0:10 – Another missed Juan Dixon jumper. If I counted correctly, that’s 4 missed shots by Dixon in the last minute and a half. And of course, that’s the game. Passing the ball is an option, Juan. You’ll be riding the pine all season if you keep that up. You can tell he’s fighting for a roster spot the way he’s chucking shots like Britney in the bar john.
The Dinoscore: 89-85 Boston.
LINE OF THE GAME:
Kevin Garnett. 19pts, 17 boards, 5 steals in 32 minutes. Get used to it.
Extinct Dino of the Night: Tough to choose between two 0-fers, but tonight’s award goes to Luke Jackson (0-4) Lukewarm Luke in particular missed two wide-open jumpers, which is exactly what he was brought into camp to do. Though you can’t judge most players by pre-season stats, Jackson’s here to fight for a roster spot. Does not bode well.
A loss. So what? There was lots to be excited about, though I’m going to try real hard not to read too far into this. I’ll wait until tomorrow’s game for that, when we slaughter the home-team, Lottomatica Roma.
(Fun Foreign Fact: Lotto has a player named Fucka. His name’s a swear! And judging by the look on his face, he doesn’t find it as funny as my brother’s grade 7 class does.)
Not a good start to the Bobcat Bet.
Sean May is doin’ what the cool kids do and undergoing microfracture surgery to repair his knee. That means his NEW challenge for this season is to avoid ballooning into the Mullato Marshmallow Man, as he’s known to do (below pic is when Sean – only 6-8 – was tipping the scales at 272).
But while it doesn’t bode well for my Bobbies, I still think know they’ll break .500. I feel it in my bones. Maybe Sean May felt it in his bones too, and the feeling was so strong it tore all the cartilage. Yup, that’s probably what happened.
“I just got my wisdom teeth out. For real! (beat) Now could ya pass the potato salad?”
TJ and Jose at different tables. Rasho and Bargs at different tables. A coincidence? I don’t think so.
The cool kids.
TJ Ford: “Is Jose looking over here? I can’t turn, it’ll be too obvious. Ready Rasho? Wait for it…wait for it…slowly now…he’s not? (smiles, grabs a peice of bread) Damn straight. Fucker can’t even pass the parmesan.”
I’m going to have to take a whole whack of drugs to get to sleep tonight. Why? Because tomorrow’s the first pre-season game of the 2007-08 season! And not only are we getting our first glimpse of our improved Raps, but we’re treated to the first glimpse at the Boston Celtics – Celebrity Edition. It’s the cherry on top of my Saturday sunday. Depending on how much I drink tonight, I’ll either keep a running diary during the game or a quarter-by-quarter commentary.
But for today, I thought I’d introduce a new feature: “Potent Quotables”, compiling some of the more entertaining sound bytes from our favorite squad.
I was going to go with “Raps Rap”, but couldn’t resist a Jeopardy reference. (“What is: pathetic?”)
Coming to you from Italy:
“I really believe the better teams are better defensively because they’re consistent. They know in certain situations what they’re going to do.” – Sam Mitchell
Hmmm….so knowing what you’re going to do is better than NOT knowing what you’re going to do? Thanks for the pearl of wisdom, Smitch. How come he didn’t share this secret with the Raptors during last year’s playoffs, when we looked more confused and disorganized than my co-ed intramural team (0-3!)?
“Now you see what I left. (In Toronto) when I look out my office on a sunny day, I see railway tracks and grey buildings. Here, when I look out my office on a sunny day, I see beautiful girls playing beach volleyball. You see what I gave up.” – Maurizio Gherardini
And Maurizio, we appreciate the sacrifice. In fact, I think we should do something to thank the Assistant GM for all the smooth six-foot Italian ladies he gave up to stare at an unsightly steel stack of 400sq. ft condos. My proposal? Every Wednesday, MLSE hires promotional models to throw on bathing suits and litter the downtown core. We’ll give ‘em a volleyball, a soccer ball, hell, they can flip pizza dough – whatever Maurizio wants. It’s the least we can do (and the most, all at the same time).
“I’m happy. It’s something unique to be in my [home] country with my NBA team, so I do everything I can.” – Andrea Bargnani
Don’t you wish the 81% of NBA players who DO play in their home country would do everything they could, both on and off the court?
“I get here to Toronto, the first thing I saw with my wife is ‘wow, people are walking around, even with highways and everything!’” – Carlos Delfino
Because Detroit’s that bad. You can’t walk without a Kevlar umbrella. It literally RAINS bullets.
This move to Toronto will be good for Carlos on a number of levels. Not only will he get some significant playing time, he can finally leave his home after dark.
“Oh yeah, that’s my thing, pro-am, you’ll see me every year. Aaah, my team…it was me, Damon Stoudamire, Daniel Ewing that was with the Clippers, John Lucas Jr., Terrence Morris, Josh Smith, Sean Williams that just got drafted by New Jersey. On other teams you know you’ve got Rashard Lewis, Sam Cassell, Steve Francis, Mike James, Moochie Norris, a lot of people. We made it to the championship but we lost.”
Is John Lucas Jr. the same player as John Lucas III? Regardless, I just think it’s adorable they’ve arranged play-dates during their summer break. And can you imagine Stevie Frachise, Mike James, Sam Cassell, Rashard Lewis, and Moochie Norris all occupying the same locker room? Talk about the over/underachieving All-Stars.
The 2006-2007 NBA season was memorable for many reasons. None of which include:
The composite ball. The Duck Tail. Linus Kleiza.
But here in Toronto, the only thing we remember is the emergence of the Raptors as an Eastern Conference contender. Did you hear that? Con-ten-dah!
No longer considered a glorified NBDL team. No more jokes piling up in online forums about the Craptors, the Rapterribles, or the over/under on a Raptors/(insert local high school team) game. We’re for real. Fo’ rizzle. The Basketball Godfather (Colangelo) has turned the tide here in Canada’s basketball capital. Piece by piece, day by day, he’s building a team to compete, night in and night out, and using less clichés to say it. He’s building a bridge to welcome back the fractured fan base. But most importantly, he’s building a dynasty.
Or, in our case, a DINOSTY.
(Yes, that’s the type of provincial humor you should come to expect. Thanks for asking.)
And as a patient, loyal fan who’s failed more than one exam due to 10:30 tipoffs and ruined more than one favorite Umbro World Cup ’94 t-shirt spilling pasta sauce during an alley-oop, it’s exciting times. Times I want to wanna get in on. But because Sam Mitchell has yet to call me, desperate for a 5’11 white kid who can’t go left (if being white’s not enough, he’s already got Derrick Martin, who can’t even spell ‘Derek’ right), a Raptors Blog is the next best thing.
Before I go any further, I don’t profess to qualify under any definition of ‘expert’. Contrary to other excellent ball blogs (which you can see listed on the right), following the NBA season isn’t my first job. I don’t get to travel with the team, visit practice, or even get to see each game live. I’m just like you (but better), a Raptors fan whose obsession might be considered unhealthy (or at least, slightly pathetic). Following hoops isn’t even my second job, actually. But top three, for sure. So at best you’ll be getting 33% of the mind-power of an unqualified analyst. Sold you yet?
But I love the round-ball too much to sit silent. I have too many biased opinions, too many poorly researched premises not to share.
So for this upcoming 2007-08 season I invite you to (in alphabetical order): cheer, cry, comment, drink, laugh, paint your toenails purple, pray against suspensions/injuries, rub your eyes in disbelief, and vomit along with the DINOSTY (pronounced dy-no-stee).
During the preseason, I’m going to ease myself into this. A couple of posts while the guys are out in Europe, a season preview, maybe some sort of quasi-original-yet-somehow-familiar ‘list’ type post (are you watching, ESPN?) But come the season, like Sir Charles in the buffet line, its GO time.
Before I go, I thought you should know that we’ll be running a couple of non-Raptors related features concurrent in the Dinosty. Like Shawn Kemp, a true basketball blog spreads its seed across many NBA-related stories. First up is the soon-to-be-infamous Bobcat Bet.
After a couple well-frosted lollipops, I made a bet with my good friend, Sir Pharoah the Beekeeper, regarding the fate of the 07-08 Charlotte Bobcats. I say they’ll not only be above .500, but will shock everyone and win a playoff series. He laughed, we shook. Now sober but no less convinced, I maintain my assertion and look forward to seeing Jason Richardson, Gerald Wallace, Ray Felton, Emeka Okafor, Sean May, Adam Morrison, and Walter Hermann (yeah I know, better than you thought) make some noise this year. And watching Marc Stein get it wrong – and not admit it – yet again? Icing on the cake, baby.
So, you in? Cause if so, I’m serious about the toenails. A trend has to start somewhere.
The Dinosty
My official ‘intro’ post will come later, but I couldn’t resist throwing up some quick pics of the Raps living it up in Italy, if only to archive photos of Kapono’s, um, buxom wife, like a squirrel hoarding (hot!) nuts for the winter. She’s arguably the best free-agent transaction of the summer.
Let’s start with the inspiration for this blog, Juan Dixon.
Either just before or just after…
…this!
The Spanish Fly dodging some Spanish flyers.
Kapono probably can’t dunk a basketball. Do you think he cares? Lucky stiff. Yes, that’s his hand on the leg of Miss Super Fantastic. Thanks for bringing a little bit of South Beach to Toronto.
And whoever says the team would rather be in Waterloo obviously hasn’t been to Waterloo – or Europe – in some time.
The Dinosty 
